Wanted to share my thoughts....

Hello, it's so great to read what everyone has been up to. I still can't believe we are actually finished with school, but I love the feeling of not having to write a reaction paper every time I leave the hospital. :) Anyways, I thought I would write and let you guys know what I have been up to these past 6 months. I have been officially off orientation for a little over a month now, and I still feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I go into work praying that God will let me make it through the night without killing my patient. I am currently working at UCI in the NICU and I love it. I love the fact that I get to take care of the whole family and not just the infant. It's so amazing to watch a mother finally hold her baby for the first time, even though the baby has been alive for a month, or the first time the mother finally gets to feed her baby. It's a great job, sometimes I go to work and all I have to do is feed 3 babies every 3 hours, so pretty much I get to cuddle a baby all night. However, there is also a terrible side to the NICU (like there is on every hospital floor) babies die. Recently, I had a patient die and I think it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I had this patient the previous night and I was super busy the entire 12hrs, pushing numerous blood products over and over just to try to bring up the Hgb, and also pushing D10 into her IV to get her blood sugar up from 32. This baby was overwhelming septic and was not responding to any of our interventions, but she somehow made it through our first night together, but when I came back the second night, her mother decided to DLS her and I had to watch the baby take her last breath in her mother's arm. Tears were streaming down every one's face, including mine. I had to do the post-mortem care and it was really hard to see this infant dead and lifeless. Also, last night, another father decided to DLS his baby. The mother died in a car accident and they managed to save the baby's life, however the baby was in really bad shape because the mother was down for a solid hour before they were able to get the baby out. So the baby's apgars were 0,0,0,0,2. The baby was brought to our NICU to be put on a cooling blanket and recently the baby was not responding to any of the interventions and has major brain damage. The outcome of her life would consist of lying in a hospital bed having to be suctioned every few minutes because the baby had no gag reflex, so the father decided to DLS the baby. I watched this father, whom buried his wife on Friday, cuddle this infant as she drowned on her secretions, terrible. Anyways, I am really sorry that is update is such a downer. For the record, there are lots of positives in my unit and I think that's why I stick around. Like we all know, nursing has the good and the bad, but I think helping a dad change his first diaper, or letting a mother finally hold her baby is so rewarding to be apart of. I hope everyone is doing well in all of the different specialities and that we can continue to be there for each other as our new careers really take off. Good luck with the job search Kari, and good luck to all of you who just started. This is a really exciting time for us and we should be proud of how far we've come. Happy Holidays. P.s. Sorry to those who have to work the holidays this year, I have to work Christmas Eve and I am so sad about that, so we are all in this together, right Heidi? ;)